Start Rant

Some brief points:

I'm lonely.
Sometimes this life does not feel like reality.
I am wound tight tight tight and I must let myself unwind and take in my uncertain future instead of rising up against it like a crashing wave. My mind has been jumpy nervous and emotionally unstable. Instead of surfing my emotions (above and out of the water), I've been experiencing them like a crab being tossed around as the tide is coming in, feeling the full force of each one as it pulls me in every direction.
I feel aimless, trapped by my own fear. There are things I want to do with my life, things I could have done, so many many different directions I could take myself toward "success." I am trying to take that first step towards...somewhere (!?) but I've had some trouble making transitions. And then I begin to look at others. Comparing yourself with others leads to a specific kind of self-blaming suffering. I have a terrible time with guilt, even if unwarranted guilt. It's just there. When compared to some people, my life seems sad and pathetic, when compared to others it seems magnificent. What is the point in comparing? I have dreams, but I should not worry that I won't realize them. What is the point in worrying? Why do I do this to myself? I would tear myself apart if given the chance, and so it is that everyday goes in and out and I am on constant guard against my own self, catching myself when I get out the saber and start slicing. I've gotten into some strange cycle where I tear myself down and then play the victim by incubating and encouraging negative and helpless thoughts. I catch myself desperately trying to assign the blame other places, though there is NO BLAME to be assigned. My affliction is nothing but my own self, frustrated with my current stagnation and turning in ward to cannibalize the satisfaction I had gained from new found stability. I can't always be looking for problems, I can't crumble when strange new boulders suddenly sprout up before me on the landscape of my life.
Does all humanity struggle to swallow the consequences of the idea that life may be simply by chance? Just physics complicating into chemistry evolving into biology, which blindly chugs along and eventually spat out an ape with a calculator? But where does physics come from, who wrote the rules, do they change....etc etc. If there is a God, is he standoffish...if so what's the point of that? How does that affect the value of our individual profound realizations? Is God conscious? Many religions say he is superbly-conscious, omnipotent, involved in the life of every human on the planet. Is he so fickle? Does he crouch in corners and pull strings to help teach us about living? Is he testing us to see what our reaction would be? Because we have no way of disproving the existence of a creator, all of these are possibilities. The inner and (wayyy) outer world is very much connected and it drives me completely mad to be unsure of either.

End Rant.